pancreatic cancer

From NED to Metastasis: Colostomy Reversal Story

DesAndrews, , , , 3 Comments

Hello Readers.

On Monday September 16, 2024, I went under the knife to reverse the temporary colostomy I had placed December 23. Just months ago, I received an all clear with no evidence of disease from both pancreatic and colon cancers. Still, what my surgeon found tells an absolutely different story. To her surprise, multiple nodules were found in my abdominal wall (peritoneum). She took multiple samples for pathology, and then went about improving my quality of life by reversing the colostomy.

I am SO thankful for my body digesting and eliminating as it was designed to do. Temporary Tina (TT) the stoma is in the history books.

I was in a post-operative drug addled haze when my surgeon relayed the good and bad news. I didn’t understand what she meant until rereading the first pathology and speaking to Tiffany (who spoke to my surgeon alongside my husband). No one, including my surgeon, was prepared to find more cancer. It was a full helping of shock and awe.

Again, for clarity, my March 2024 CT, April 2024 colonoscopy, and July 2024 labs were all normal. All indicators pointed to a clean bill of health with no evidence of disease (NED).

To go from no evidence of disease to metastatic cancer patient is a surrealistic ride. I want off it right now.

Can you imagine the thoughts in my head? Mainstream medicine, with all its promises has both helped, harmed, and failed me. I have endured toxic and poisonous chemotherapy, not once, but twice. The daily reminders of neuropathy and traumatic side effects hang heavily within and without. Through multiple invasive GI surgeries that healed me by violence has left body deeply scarred, traumatized, and internally renovated. I have done everything asked of me and more.

How in the flying monkeys is this real?!

How were my recent July labs pristine with this number of murderous nodules trying to kill me?

So, what’s next?

First, the second pathology report defining which cancer metastasized is still in process. Though the general expert thoughts are the adenocarcinoma is from the colon cancer. Until the pathology report results, there is no knowing which cancer is the culprit. Due to a better prognosis, I am hoping against hope it is the colon cancer.

What bizarre planet do I exist on where I am wishing upon a specific cancer star?

Second, I met with an integrative oncology physician today. It was a fruitful appointment that covered several aspects of care including nutrition, supplements, non-toxic treatments, exercise, and stress management. I will keep relationship with my regular oncologist and pursue clinically appropriate treatment with her as well. Integrative medicine is using many different tools in a basket.

Third, I’m going to tap deeply into my communities for resources, referrals, and support so I can fight this.

Even with all of that is to come, I am not scared. I am disappointed. I am tired of this continued fight. And I am at peace.

I believe with my whole being I have time to fight this well. My healthy and strong body has more to give. My heart has so much more love to offer and get. My hands have more healing to give. My sarcasm has more jokes and laughter to create.

Don’t you dare count me out yet. I am definitely hard to kill, and this feels like a dare. I rarely lose a dare.

Beauty and life stay within this scarred and ravaged body.

Desirre

1 October 2024

Desirre Andrews, RN, BSN, CPM, RM, Brain Squirrel Wrangler

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All Rights Reserved 2024

Living with Death in Pursuit

DesAndrews, , , 6 Comments
Grim Reaper Wallpapers – Wallpaper Cave

Every day I get up and prepare for the day ahead. I connect. I attend nursing school. I study. I go to clinicals. I exercise. I laugh. I grieve. I love people. As always, I show up.

It’s a beautiful, purposeful, and yes, painfully normal existence knowing I am living with death in pursuit.

Death is growing inside of me. Its sole purpose is to proliferate and kill everything healthy from the inside out. What it cannot touch is my soul. It cannot take away what makes me, me.

I absolutely choose life. Yet, I have no fear of death. I know leaving this corporal body and returning to heaven where those I love are waiting. Where there is no death, no pain, no suffering, and an abundance of love, joy, and peace for eternity.

Even knowing what comes next after this physical world, I’m in NO WAY ready to leave this plane of existence. I have a deep call to live the years my mother and brother Jay didn’t get with the purpose of the betterment of others. I adamantly believe I have 50 more years on this Earth to pursue and answer what I have tried repeatedly to dismiss and run away from.

As difficult as it is to admit, my life is no longer the normal I have come to expect and function within. I am no longer within normal limits. I am sick though I appear perfectly healthy. I am ill though I feel well and strong.

I choose life and have no plans to lie down on the proverbial train tracks allowing pursuing death to win without a fight. I am in the battle of my life.

In a few short days I will be meeting be having more imaging, lab tests, and meeting with an interdisciplinary team of oncology experts to determine the most effective treatment path. In reality my odds are pure sh*t. I have little statistical opportunity to beat this grim reaper. AND I also know statistics do not tell the whole story. I truly have either 0% or 100% option here to live or die.

I choose life. I choose the fight.

Don’t you dare count me out.

Your prayers, check-ins, thoughts, and love are always appreciated. I dare you to show up with me and help me continue to choose life.

Pax,

Desirre

No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition

DesAndrews, , 3 Comments
Or cancer for that matter.

Please, take a few deep breaths…I have cancer. Yes, cancer. I have a malignant mass on the head of my pancreas. It’s a 2cm miniature death star called adenoma sarcoma (adenosarcoma). I will call it Addy for short. I don’t know how long Addy’s been growing inside of me. Pancreatic cancer is often a silent killer leaving the unsuspecting host feeling quite normal without specific signs or symptoms. I’m among the more fortunate hosts with an early warning system prompting me into care earlier than many.

Leading Up

As August 30, 2022, unfolded, I became jaundiced. I had lab work drawn and a urinalysis performed. I had high levels of bilirubin in my urine, but why? The next day I went to my assigned hospital clinicals while waiting for lab results. When I finally received the lab results, my clinical scholar walked me to the hospital emergency department. I thought maybe I was taking too many supplements or somehow picked up Hepatitis as a way to explain my jaundice and obviously angry liver.

The ED team saw me right away and drew more labs. Then I was sent for a CT scan. Thirty minutes later, while sitting alone wearing my nursing school scrubs in an ED room, my life turned upside down. The PA came in and apologetically shared the results with me. “You have a 2cm mass on the head of your pancreas.” I think she said she was sorry and other things, but I cannot clearly recall anything else. She was kind and seemed shocked by having to break the news to me.

After the Diagnosis

The first word I uttered when the PA left was a slow, emphatic f*ck. Next, I phoned my husband, Mitchell. He drove up to the hospital while I was being admitted. It was the longest 90 minutes I had ever spent waiting for him.

CANCER. BIG BAD CANCER. CANCER that kills swiftly. Me. That was inside of ME. Many reading this may wonder how I knew it was cancer without further screening. Pancreatic masses are nearly always cancer. It is so rare for them to be benign it’s not something to consider. The questions became: Is it isolated or has it spread? How bad is it? Will I even get the opportunity to fight it, or has it metastasized?

I went on to spend 3.5 days in the hospital and had two ERCP procedures to take biopsies and to place stents to allow proper flow through my biliary and pancreatic ducts.

During those 3.5 days, I made more personal phone calls than expected to share the news. I live and breathe community. This was no time to be my usually private self. Not only do I need community surrounding and supporting me, but my family also needs it too when the dark days come.

Today

I received the results yesterday. The mass, as expected is indeed Addy. Currently, there is also one other area being infiltrated with cancer cells is the common bile duct. It is not the best worst news, and by far not the worst worst news.

I GET TO FIGHT.

I was recommended to an oncologist who specializes in pancreatic cancer. I have an appointment in 3 weeks.

That’s all I know right now.

Please check back here for updates as I chronicle my journey. And please if you text or call, know I am still in nursing school and living life for today and tomorrow. I may not respond right away.

I am in it to win it.

Please feel free to place me on your prayer lists or share with others who will pray for me. I know God is here with me. I am peaceful and without anxiety or fear. I feel the armor of God upon me.

Pax,

Desirre

Picture attribution Credit: JOHN BAVOSI/Science Source