Every day I get up and prepare for the day ahead. I connect. I attend nursing school. I study. I go to clinicals. I exercise. I laugh. I grieve. I love people. As always, I show up.
It’s a beautiful, purposeful, and yes, painfully normal existence knowing I am living with death in pursuit.
Death is growing inside of me. Its sole purpose is to proliferate and kill everything healthy from the inside out. What it cannot touch is my soul. It cannot take away what makes me, me.
I absolutely choose life. Yet, I have no fear of death. I know leaving this corporal body and returning to heaven where those I love are waiting. Where there is no death, no pain, no suffering, and an abundance of love, joy, and peace for eternity.
Even knowing what comes next after this physical world, I’m in NO WAY ready to leave this plane of existence. I have a deep call to live the years my mother and brother Jay didn’t get with the purpose of the betterment of others. I adamantly believe I have 50 more years on this Earth to pursue and answer what I have tried repeatedly to dismiss and run away from.
As difficult as it is to admit, my life is no longer the normal I have come to expect and function within. I am no longer within normal limits. I am sick though I appear perfectly healthy. I am ill though I feel well and strong.
I choose life and have no plans to lie down on the proverbial train tracks allowing pursuing death to win without a fight. I am in the battle of my life.
In a few short days I will be meeting be having more imaging, lab tests, and meeting with an interdisciplinary team of oncology experts to determine the most effective treatment path. In reality my odds are pure sh*t. I have little statistical opportunity to beat this grim reaper. AND I also know statistics do not tell the whole story. I truly have either 0% or 100% option here to live or die.
I choose life. I choose the fight.
Don’t you dare count me out.
Your prayers, check-ins, thoughts, and love are always appreciated. I dare you to show up with me and help me continue to choose life.
6 thoughts on “Living with Death in Pursuit”
My Desirre . . .You have so many awsome people cheering for you because of who you are. . . you have always walked the talk, accepted your challenges with the strength of an amazon woman, and life’s marathon isn’t complete. Mitchell will give you the added strength you need while you dig deep for this fight and we will be with you with all the love you need to make it OVER the line -Do Not go quietly-we are cheering you on.
Sending you much LOVE & HUGS Auntie ;0))
I’ll take that dare! As a promise. Love you bunches.
I am here. You’re still stuck with me. Always.
You go, Girl. You never know what you can accomplish if you don’t try with all your might. Luvya, Aunt Joan.
Please take a look into amla, the Indian gooseberry. There are people around who were told by their do tor that they had only a few weeks left to live, but then somebody pointed them towards amla, a stalwart of Ayurvedic medicine, and they stopped by that doctor’s office years later to say hello.
I have survived pancreatic cancer 5.5 years. My story is eerily similar to yours. There’s lots of cause for optimism. What’s your Ca19-9 level?