mental health

It’s Just a Word, Right?

DesAndrews, , , 1 Comment

December 31, 2023

Each new year I come up with a word that encapsulates what I am looking forward to experiencing, working through, or part of a goal setting plan. However, for 2024 it’s been a particularly nuanced process due to the cancer recurrence.

It’s just a word, right?

I need a word that cannot be construed to add to the struggle or inadvertently require more hardship to see it through. Words like overcome, strength, courage…fall into this category. I believe my mettle has been thoroughly proven and require no more trials by fire.

I could choose something seemingly erroneous or trite. Peace, joy, freedom…blah, blah, and the smiling facade is oh so thin.

Even finding a word that means disease free could have heavy consequences of death or disability…

All this to say, words matter in their simplicity and complexity.

What we focus on is how choices are made, how we evolve, and how we take a path.

I’m again choosing life while facing tremendous unknown and expected pain with hardship.

Perhaps the word, a word will coalesce into existence along the way.

January 3, 2024

Finally, a word, the only word that speaks to my needs comes in the form of a video that scrolled by on a social media platform.

The Word:

in·​ten·​tion in-ˈten(t)-shən 

  1. a: what one intends to do or bring about. b. the object for which a prayer, mass, or pious act is offered.
  2. determination to act in a certain way; resolve
  3. intentions plural: purpose with respect to marriage
  4. import, significance
  5. a process or manner of healing of incised wounds
  6. concept especially: a concept considered as the product of attention directed to an object of knowledge

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/intention

Of course, some of the above definitions do not suit my purposes, however, several do fit with the narrative I must create to again fight the beast known as adenocarcinoma. The resolve necessary to properly armor my mind, body and spirit is no small task for the grueling work ahead. With each step intention must be set and followed through with. With every choice intention must be clear and firm. With every “bad” day intention to get up and go another round must be within reach. With every breath, the intention is set to draw another. Regarding time with the intention of value, memory making, and without wastefulness.

Again, with intention, I choose to live, fight, and love through this next season of cancer battle on my own terms.

I’m curious what your theme or word for 2024?

Thank you for reading. I appreciate you sharing my posts in the hope someone else will feel seen and heard.

Desirre Andrews, RN, BSN, CPM, RM, Brain Squirrel Wrangler

TikTok: @des.andrews

Instagram: @desirreandrews

Photos are courtesy of Raw Pixel.

All Rights Reserved 2024

Daily Rules of Engagement for Mental Health Stability

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While coming to grips with a new secondary cancer diagnosis I’m experiencing profound situational depression and sadness. Though strangely there is a slight lifting of the oppressive feelings with the pathology report indicating a return of the adenocarcinoma likely because I now know who my enemy is, the depression and sadness remain.

To keep myself in check and knowing I’m prone to isolating when I feel vulnerable and overwhelmed, I immediately instituted daily rules of engagement. I need order in the chaos so I can live and hopefully thrive. As my body heals from surgery, I’ve added additional rules to my list of three.

Rules of Engagement

Rule 1: When I get out of bed in the morning, I stay out of bed until bedtime.

Rule 2: I change out of my pajamas and get dressed.

Rule 3: I wash my face, brush my teeth, put on my usual makeup, and fix my hair.

Rule 4: Purposefully making “dates” with friends so I can remain connected to my precious community. Answering texts and phone calls from family and friends who are far away. Again to connect and limit my tendency to isolate.

Rule 5: Performing a needed task every couple of hours for at least 15 minutes so I don’t simply sit and read or zone out. This means writing down simple attainable tasks.

Rule 6: Adding in daily play and pleasurable tasks like reading, going for a walk, listening to music, or cooking.

This method works for me because I like a framework. I like tangible accountability. The order is grounding and feels safe. And yes, I’m under the care of a therapist with whom I presented my rules of engagement yesterday. She validated my method and even added to the list.

As I forge ahead in cancer treatment, I vow to be open about the good, bad, and ugly. I’m here to share in your community and to be enveloped with love and support from mine. Cancer, like other serious illnesses, is meant to be experienced in community. The support and love from community engagement are the energy boosters that make the work a little easier.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate you sharing my posts.

If you are struggling with mental health or know someone who is, here is a helpful link.

Desirre Andrews, RN, BSN, CPM, RM

TikTok: @des.andrews

Instagram: @desirreandrews

Day 156 Nursing School Diary

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During this clinical rotation, my “weekend” is during the week instead of the traditional Saturday and Sunday. Clinicals happen any day because hospitals never close! Instead of spending the day in class, I spent a few hours in the sun hiking with roughly a gazillion insects.

I LOVE being outside. I’m like a little kid who counts the minutes to recess. The closer I got to the trail, the happier I got.

Why do I hike? Hiking is a meditation. A prayer. A physical work that calms and organizes thoughts. It provides a sense of completion and satisfaction. Being immersed in the green things and dirt connects me to something bigger than myself.

As a side note. Being in green spaces is a form of recognized therapy. I know, do we need a study to tell us going outside is therapeutic? Apparently so, because with evidence comes providers “prescribing” it to patients.

I allowed a slow start to my day, so optimal hiking hours grew shorter, and the temperature climbed. I chose a shorter 5.5-mile hike with a 1200ft elevation gain as my first act of self-care on my day off. The moderate hike got my heart pumping, worked my legs, sweated out stress, and freed my mind from anxious thoughts. Content and endorphins pulsed through me at the end of the trail. I wanted to continue but the rising heat of the day and UV intensity sent me to my car.

Sweaty and covered in grit and dust, I drove back to my school apartment with a lightness of spirit and a few insect bites.

I confirmed my therapy appointment as my second act of self-care. At 20 years old, during a period of night terrors and severe panic attacks, I found a therapist. Since then, therapy has been an integrated part of my life whenever I need it. Between appointments, there can be months or years, but it is always available.

Studying and doing the work of life presented few obstacles over the rest of my day.

I’m looking forward to seeing what tomorrow brings. Until then, please enjoy some wildflowers from my hike.

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Day 155 Nursing School Diary

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It’s day 155 of nursing school. Accelerated nursing school is a daily adventure. The volume of information is education by a firehouse. The labs and simulations feel weird and awkward. The clinical rotations delve into the unknown. However, all of those things are the expected norm.

Since returning from the break between the first and second semesters, life outside school is challenging. Loneliness and isolation have set in, accompanied by anxiety and intermittent feelings of depression.

My school experience is somewhat unique. I’m more than 15 years older than all the students in my cohort, leaving me lacking in an age-appropriate peer group. Although I get along well with my classmates as one of the group, the differences exist.

Living away from my family also adds stress to the situation. I have an apartment local to the university and go home as I’m able. Alternately, my husband visits regularly to take the pressure off me. Even though we video chat daily, being on my own is difficult. Thankfully, my cat Butterscotch is along for the ride, taking the edge off.

I’m an introvert who gets exhausted by groups and is prone to overstimulation. I’m also a person who values intimate social interaction. Spending so many hours alone without personal socialization is a detriment.

To keep this post from being a whiny “woe is me” rant, I’ve devised a plan of action to improve my experience and mental wellness.  

Action Plan

  • Contacting my therapist for a check-in/reset appointment.
  • Inviting others to join me hiking on days off from class and clinicals.
  • Reaching out to friends in the area and making plans.
  • Performing self-care.
  • Accepting this is the reality for another 5.5 months and knowing it will be worth it.