Health

It’s Just a Word, Right?

DesAndrews, , , 1 Comment

December 31, 2023

Each new year I come up with a word that encapsulates what I am looking forward to experiencing, working through, or part of a goal setting plan. However, for 2024 it’s been a particularly nuanced process due to the cancer recurrence.

It’s just a word, right?

I need a word that cannot be construed to add to the struggle or inadvertently require more hardship to see it through. Words like overcome, strength, courage…fall into this category. I believe my mettle has been thoroughly proven and require no more trials by fire.

I could choose something seemingly erroneous or trite. Peace, joy, freedom…blah, blah, and the smiling facade is oh so thin.

Even finding a word that means disease free could have heavy consequences of death or disability…

All this to say, words matter in their simplicity and complexity.

What we focus on is how choices are made, how we evolve, and how we take a path.

I’m again choosing life while facing tremendous unknown and expected pain with hardship.

Perhaps the word, a word will coalesce into existence along the way.

January 3, 2024

Finally, a word, the only word that speaks to my needs comes in the form of a video that scrolled by on a social media platform.

The Word:

in·​ten·​tion in-ˈten(t)-shən 

  1. a: what one intends to do or bring about. b. the object for which a prayer, mass, or pious act is offered.
  2. determination to act in a certain way; resolve
  3. intentions plural: purpose with respect to marriage
  4. import, significance
  5. a process or manner of healing of incised wounds
  6. concept especially: a concept considered as the product of attention directed to an object of knowledge

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/intention

Of course, some of the above definitions do not suit my purposes, however, several do fit with the narrative I must create to again fight the beast known as adenocarcinoma. The resolve necessary to properly armor my mind, body and spirit is no small task for the grueling work ahead. With each step intention must be set and followed through with. With every choice intention must be clear and firm. With every “bad” day intention to get up and go another round must be within reach. With every breath, the intention is set to draw another. Regarding time with the intention of value, memory making, and without wastefulness.

Again, with intention, I choose to live, fight, and love through this next season of cancer battle on my own terms.

I’m curious what your theme or word for 2024?

Thank you for reading. I appreciate you sharing my posts in the hope someone else will feel seen and heard.

Desirre Andrews, RN, BSN, CPM, RM, Brain Squirrel Wrangler

TikTok: @des.andrews

Instagram: @desirreandrews

Photos are courtesy of Raw Pixel.

All Rights Reserved 2024

No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition

DesAndrews, , 3 Comments
Or cancer for that matter.

Please, take a few deep breaths…I have cancer. Yes, cancer. I have a malignant mass on the head of my pancreas. It’s a 2cm miniature death star called adenoma sarcoma (adenosarcoma). I will call it Addy for short. I don’t know how long Addy’s been growing inside of me. Pancreatic cancer is often a silent killer leaving the unsuspecting host feeling quite normal without specific signs or symptoms. I’m among the more fortunate hosts with an early warning system prompting me into care earlier than many.

Leading Up

As August 30, 2022, unfolded, I became jaundiced. I had lab work drawn and a urinalysis performed. I had high levels of bilirubin in my urine, but why? The next day I went to my assigned hospital clinicals while waiting for lab results. When I finally received the lab results, my clinical scholar walked me to the hospital emergency department. I thought maybe I was taking too many supplements or somehow picked up Hepatitis as a way to explain my jaundice and obviously angry liver.

The ED team saw me right away and drew more labs. Then I was sent for a CT scan. Thirty minutes later, while sitting alone wearing my nursing school scrubs in an ED room, my life turned upside down. The PA came in and apologetically shared the results with me. “You have a 2cm mass on the head of your pancreas.” I think she said she was sorry and other things, but I cannot clearly recall anything else. She was kind and seemed shocked by having to break the news to me.

After the Diagnosis

The first word I uttered when the PA left was a slow, emphatic f*ck. Next, I phoned my husband, Mitchell. He drove up to the hospital while I was being admitted. It was the longest 90 minutes I had ever spent waiting for him.

CANCER. BIG BAD CANCER. CANCER that kills swiftly. Me. That was inside of ME. Many reading this may wonder how I knew it was cancer without further screening. Pancreatic masses are nearly always cancer. It is so rare for them to be benign it’s not something to consider. The questions became: Is it isolated or has it spread? How bad is it? Will I even get the opportunity to fight it, or has it metastasized?

I went on to spend 3.5 days in the hospital and had two ERCP procedures to take biopsies and to place stents to allow proper flow through my biliary and pancreatic ducts.

During those 3.5 days, I made more personal phone calls than expected to share the news. I live and breathe community. This was no time to be my usually private self. Not only do I need community surrounding and supporting me, but my family also needs it too when the dark days come.

Today

I received the results yesterday. The mass, as expected is indeed Addy. Currently, there is also one other area being infiltrated with cancer cells is the common bile duct. It is not the best worst news, and by far not the worst worst news.

I GET TO FIGHT.

I was recommended to an oncologist who specializes in pancreatic cancer. I have an appointment in 3 weeks.

That’s all I know right now.

Please check back here for updates as I chronicle my journey. And please if you text or call, know I am still in nursing school and living life for today and tomorrow. I may not respond right away.

I am in it to win it.

Please feel free to place me on your prayer lists or share with others who will pray for me. I know God is here with me. I am peaceful and without anxiety or fear. I feel the armor of God upon me.

Pax,

Desirre

Picture attribution Credit: JOHN BAVOSI/Science Source